Seeing Things

This lack of sleep is starting to take it's toll.  I was re shelving books at the library today when I began to feel....off.  I looked up and saw my ex-husband, standing at the end of the isle.  I began to feel very ill.  I closed my eyes a moment and when I opened them the world had stopped spinning and I was laying on the floor.  I've made an appointment with the doctor.  Maybe I need a different kind of sleeping pill, I'm sure I must have been hallucinating, because he hadn't aged a day.

Night

Every night I stand in the doorway and listen to the crickets.  I feel there is something out there calling to me, promising to make me feel alive, and I want to go to it.  The Husband jokes I must have a demon lover out there.

The Hollow Man

Often, on those more and more frequent nights where I cannot sleep, I find myself thinking about my ex-husband.  How could it be that I fell in love with some1 so Hollow?  I don’t know.  I try to think back to the beginning of our relationship.  We met in college.  I had dated a few boys in high school, but never got serious with anyone.  He took me to dinner.  He bought me flowers.  We had the same taste in books and movies.  But he never really swept me off my feet.  We were never madly in love.  We were comfortable.  I stayed with him because I could find no reason to leave him.  I married him after we graduated because it was what people did.  It took us a long time to conceive.  I believe this was because we did not often have sex, and when we did it was rude and mechanical.  At the time, this did not raise any flags.  My only defense is that I was somewhat naïve.  I though things were normal, because I did not know any other way.  I shudder to think about what he may have been picturing during those times.

Still No Sleep

My son is back from the beach and my worries are lessened, but I still can't sleep.  I toss and I turn.  Every little noise wakes me up.  I thought I actually heard something rattling around in my closet.  I'm actually a little bit thankful they've cut my hours at work, because I feel like a zombie.  I haven't felt this paranoid and anxious in 20 years.  I feel like he's back, always right behind me.  I don't know what to do.

Insomnia

I'm so tired.  The Brat is graduated and he's gone to the beach, and I can't sleep.  I just worry, and worry, and worry.  My medication isn't helping at all.  The graduation was wonderful and I'm so proud of him, but at times like this I can't help wondering about Angela.  Where she is, if she got to graduate high school...It goes on and on.  And it makes me feel disloyal somehow.  Am I bad mother?  I don't know.  I'm going to try and go for a walk today.  Maybe some exercise will help me sleep tonight.

Staycation

That is what it's called when people take off from work but don't really go anywhere, right?  I'm doing that right now.  The Brat's graduating soon and I wanted to get the house in order before we throw him a party.  OK, so it's not much of a vacation....I was visiting with my old friend and her daughter Ali (who's also haveing a bit of forced staycation) showed up.  I still can't get over how grown up she is.  It's so strange.  She actually has a video blog of her own on youtube.  Her user name is AliCat27100.  It's a little unfocused right now, and I think she may need some help with the camera.

The Day After

It's a new day.  A new month, and I feel a little bit better.  I'm not sure how many details I want to share.  Or where to start even.  I guess I should start at the begining.  20 years ago my Angel disapeared.  She was 8 years old.  There was 1 witness.  Her best friend Ali.  (who grew up to be a very charming girl, but I digress to distract myself)  Ali reported that a tall, slender man dressed like "a banker man" simply picked Angela up and carried her away.  I believe this was my ex-husband, although Ali's recollection of what his face looked like changed from interview to interview.  Possibly because of her young age, she was only 7 at the time.  A body was never recovered, so must keep thinking, hopeing, that one day she will come back.